The Return

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Today is my first day back in the office. One of the first things I realized when checking my eight weeks worth of unread emails was that I technically could have delayed my return from maternity leave to March 5. I was tempted to pack up my things and head home, act like I never returned to the office, but unfortunately I had already engaged with everyone I work with. So I lost three weeks of maternity leave. I am still not sure how I feel about that.

The entire day has been a bit surreal. It was a very big challenge for me to return to work after Grayson was born. I was devastated each day I dropped him off at his school (I call his daycare "school" because it has less of a negative connotation to me). I resented the caregivers at Grayson's school because they were able to spend each day with him, and they would tell me about Grayson's development. I always wanted to scream, "Please don't tell me about my child! I'm his mom! Don't you know that I know about his development?" I refrained, though, and I just got all my emotions out by crying on the way to work. I am not sure what I looked like each day I came to work, but I imagine I looked pretty rough. Everyone probably chocked it up to me being a new mom. Sometimes motherhood can be an easy excuse for looking haphazard.

Needless to say, the transition from maternity leave with Grayson to working again was a rough one for me. This time, however, the transition does not seem nearly as daunting. It definitely takes a lot of coordination and planning to go back to work, but I am not as emotional about the process as I was. Maybe I am speaking too soon, maybe I will be smacked in the face with working mom guilt, but the transition seems to be going okay. It helps that I am  only in the office two days - albeit two long days - a week, and I have the experience of knowing that having a child in daycare did not effect our attachment or overall happiness. At this point I would not take Grayson out of school. He absolutely loves going, and I have seen the benefits of having him around other children and having days filled with structured activities, activities that I would not have the energy or resources to do. As far as Lucy is concerned, she sleeps a vast majority of the day, so whether or not I am within arm's reach is not a pressing issue in her life right now.

For now I am pretty stable about returning to work, being a working mom. John mentioned that I may see being in the office as nice break, at time to get some rest. This is true to an extent. My office is very quiet and when I am at work I am able to control my schedule for the most part. Control of my schedule in any sort of way is unheard of when I am at home with the kids. I am at their mercy. At work I get to go to the bathroom without being interrupted - AMAZING. So, despite the emotional guilt, there are some perks  to spending a couple of days in the office. We will see how this pans out. In a few weeks I may be signing a different tune.