Falling in Love

The past couple of weeks with the kids have been especially enjoyable. Grayson will be 2-years-old next week, which means everyday he is a wild card of emotion, and Lucy is a three month old girl who insists that the world take notice of her. If I focused only on the complex times with the kids I would always be wondering why John and I ever even entertained the idea of being parents. Thankfully, though, the rich times outshine the developmental chaos that kids endure.  Despite his fragile emotional state, Grayson has started to really shine. Despite her celebrity attitude, Lu has started to show some her of ever-endearing personality. For a while I thought that the days with the kids felt easier and more enjoyable because Grayson and Lu started interacting with each other more - they have a game of mimicking each other's sounds that ends in both of them laughing. Their interaction has provided some entertainment, but that was not what changed things. Yesterday I realized what it was: I'm in love.

I did not fall in love with Grayson immediately. I so often hear pregnant women say that they are in love with their unborn child. I read status updates to the gist (actually to the verbatim) of, "So-and-so was born today! I am so in love with him!" I don't doubt that these women are in love, but that was definitely not my experience. I loved being pregnant, and I enjoyed the special relationship I had with Grayson when I was pregnant, but if I really thought about it, I did not think about how in love I was with Grayson, I thought about what an alien-like experience it was to be pregnant. Think about it: a human grows inside another human. So weird.

When Grayson was born my first thoughts were not of head-over-heals love. I'm not even sure if love was in my realm of emotions after Grayson was born. I distinctly remember feeling the weight of responsibility like I had never felt before when I delivered Grayson and the midwife placed him on my chest. That feeling of responsibility lingered. I kept thinking, "This is it. I will forever be a parent. There is no taking this back." The first few months after Grayson was born I could not honestly post a status about being in love, if I had wanted to. Most of my emotions we directed at trying to accommodate the transition in our family from being just me and John, and the major life change of becoming a mother.

It's not that I did not love Grayson when he was first born. I definitely loved him and I cared for him relentlessly, but I was not in love. For the first couple of months of his life Grayson was mainly the responsibility that I was given. Part of my responsibility as a mother was to love Grayson. It was not until the transition period gave way, and Grayson secured his role in our new family, that I fell in love. When Grayson was around 12 weeks old I realized that I was in love. I went back to work when Grayson was around 10 weeks old. Initially going back to work was tough, but it was not as tough as I thought it would be. I realized I had fallen in love with Grayson when going to work became harder, when I missed him more, when my heart longed to see him every moment. I vividly remember telling John when I fell in love with Grayson. I had been waiting to fall in love with Grayson, and when it happened it was so great.

When it came time for me to have Lucy I did not know what to expect. I did not put any expectations on myself to be in love immediately, but I thought that I may fall in love with Lu easier because I was already a mother and my heart knew what to expect. When the midwife put Lu on my chest I did not feel the deadweight of responsibility, but I did not feel overwhelming feelings of love either. I remember feeling very matter-of-fact, like, "Okay, our second child... check!" It was strange. The night after Lu was born was extremely rough for me. Her birth caused me to mourn the little three-person family we had. Before Lu was born, John, Grayson, and I had a good rhythm. Lu's arrival threw off that rhythm. I knew that we would eventually find a new rhythm, but I also knew that life would never be the same as it had been with just Grayson. My feelings of what I was losing were hurtles to me falling in love with Lu.

As when I had Grayson, even though I was not in love with Lu I still gave her love. I knew that at some point I would be in love. I originally thought I would fall in love with Lu easier and quicker than I did with Grayson, but I think it took a little longer because I was divided in my attention. When Lu was born Grayson was just beginning to break out of baby shell, and I wanted to spend all the time possible with Grayson so I could get to know him as a  toddler. Also, comparatively, babies are nowhere near as entertaining as toddlers, so I was not as intrigued with Lu's ability to open her eyes or breathe, as I was with Grayson's comedic timing and growing social skills.

Over the days, as Lu started to wake up from her newborn fog I caught myself falling for her. She requires a lot of attention. She has a sense of humor. She is sassy. She is super smiley. She can be feisty. And I am completely in love with it all. We have a new family rhythm and I would not change it for anything right now.

Did you fall in love immediately? Share your story!

Moments I would not have, if not for Lu: