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During the past couple of weeks Lucy realized she is alive. The endearing "fourth trimester" most babies experience after birth has come to an end and Lu is beginning to take on her personality. It has been fun to see glimpses of what Lu's future personality may be like. Most signs are pointing to the fact that she will be feisty, but we will see who she actually becomes. I don't want to typecast her too early.
Grayson's recent developmental growth spurt and Lu's decision to tell us how she feels, has left very busy on the parenting front. Throw into the mix my return to work and our upcoming move, and there is a recipe for exhaustion. I keep reminding myself that in a few months this wild time will be just a memory and it will not seem as tough, even though every parent I talk to affirms that these months are a total bear - which tells me that they remember how tough things can be. I stare at mothers with older children and I tell myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I would be lying if I said my heart was boiling over with maternal joy every moment of the past three months. There have been many times when I have thought, "How did I get here?" The combination of tiredness and lack of personal time has led John and I to jokingly say to one another, "Our life!", when things are particularly tiring. Frankly, every morning this week I have started off by saying to myself and aloud, "My life..." The more tired we get the more John and I tend to reminisce about life before kids. Yesterday when I was in Atlanta I drove past so many places that John and I frequented before kids. We can never go back in time. Even when we go on dates or have a weekend away we are still parents. We still have little human beings depending on us. We still have the logistics to figure out just so we can get time for just the two of us. Pretending that we do not have children for a night or weekend will never be the same as when we did not have children.
Not every moment is this stuck-in-a-dark-damp-tunnel kind of moment, though. That's kind of the paradox of having children. We have so many rich moments with the kids. I love watching Grayson and Lu interact. I thoroughly enjoy days like yesterday, where we just get in the car and go on an adventure, even if that adventure is simply going to IKEA. Whenever John and I are away from the kids and free from their immediate needs, we find ourselves talking about them, quoting Grayson, or looking forward to getting back to see them. When we went to Asheville for a weekend away from the kids we spent a good portion of our time looking for fun gifts to bring back for Grayson and Lu. We missed the kids. A lot.
I am learning that raising children will be one of the hardest - if not the hardest - things I ever do. When I think back to my life before kids I briefly wonder why we gave up so much freedom to raise children. As quickly as that thought comes to my mind it is pushed out by the fact that for every minute that tough or tiring, there are so many greater riches to outweigh those hard moments. The kids bring riches that we could never experience without them. KJ Dell'Antonia's rebuttal on Motherlode to this New York Times article came at the heals of our weekend away from the kids. I like her take on things.
What do you think?
I've gotten to be on both sides of the argument in the past year and I choose companionship. Although it's nice to have a weekend alone, absorbed in a book or watching a movie marathon it has a quick expiration date for me. I guess what I'm saying is I would rather be bored with someone than bored alone. Of course, since I had Isla I haven't been bored or alone:)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. My sentiments have never been to be free from John. The years I spent waiting to meet John and get married were fun, but I never thought, "This is the life!" Even now when I look fondly back at that time I am thinking back to fun moments, not the entire lifestyle. I would much rather read next to someone than read alone.
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